“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.