“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
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When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Smells like a challenge to me
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Straight people are cancelled
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.