I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
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*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.