Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out

dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

chews marshmallows with bovine intensity

My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?

Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb