i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
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Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
that de-escalated quickly
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.