I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?