I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’