Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Bob is coming over for dinner.”

Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?

*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

A 27yo asked me to come home with him!

I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

[spelling bee]

Your word is “pneumonia”.

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.

Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

is he marrying that labradoodle

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

ㅤ

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.