Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

Icarus loved hot wings.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]

HER: This is nice.

ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

😂😂

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.