Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”

I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.

Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.

Guess we’re both living the dream

My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.

I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza