I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!