I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
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Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Sunday
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
it took me a moment to realize the NYPD commissioner who was just raided by the feds is the NYPD commissioner who succeeded the NYPD commissioner who was raided by the feds a few weeks ago and then resigned
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.