Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye

Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.

beware of dog

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

one of

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show