Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”

😂😭

I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*

Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Saturday

You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”