I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
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Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
the zen of frog
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
ouch
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
