Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

“I want you inside me.”

-says the quotation marks to the period-

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.

Me: But I have work tomorrow.

Brain: I don’t care-

*alarm goes off*

-okay you can sleep.

I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

*at plastic surgery consultation*

Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”

Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”

waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.

Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.