I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
You Might Also Like
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
One time, a guy flirtatiously asked me what my deepest darkest secret was, and I told him I was working on a shot by shot remake of the first Star Wars film reenacted by my cats called, “A Mew Hope”.
Anyway he didn’t call.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
BRAKING NEWS!!
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Me: time to be better with my finances
Them: you could stop buying things
Me: not like that
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.