I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
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My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.