I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
You Might Also Like
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .