I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
For the first year I drank liquor, I thought I was being pranked. I was waiting for one of my friends to say, “Gotcha! Here’s the stuff that tastes good.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Going down a rabbit hole if anyone wants anything
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
