I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
