I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
