I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
You Might Also Like
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Friday night party time 🥳
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.