I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.