I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning