I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me redecorating every room in my mind
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them