I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
the duality of man
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too