I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
The A string on my guit_r is flat