Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

yo LA chill out with your restaurant names

Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

God: you’re a Squid.

Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.

God: what’s a Kraken?

Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.

God: wa-was that an ocean pun?

Squid: maybe, did you like it : )

God:

Squid:

God: you krilled it : )

My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?

Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips