Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?

Kids: Cars

Me: And…

Kids: Wine moms

ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words

WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it

WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?

MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.

i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach

so weird how every mom was born today

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.