Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OKAY DAD

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.

I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.

When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼‍♂️

Dance like you’re not the father

The lost art of being “wishy washy.”

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

ME: can I buy u a drink

HER: I’ll take a rain check

ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

But that’s none of my business

I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Your honor these allegations are

You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.