Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.

CW: My phone says 81.

Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.

Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Banking tips

Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.

McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.

Tasted fine, too.

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Me: DIALOGUE!!!

Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?

Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

She danced her way into his heart.

-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

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