Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

[First day as a Waiter]

Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.

Me: Probably what killed it.

cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

#HatDadJoke

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Preserved fruit, that’s my jam

[ speed dating ]

Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.

Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.

Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble

Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.