Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

me: that’s my wife susan

him: please pass the salt, ma’am

me: idk she’s pretty lazy

her: [rotates entire table]

me: but strong

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.

me: my night terrors are getting worse

therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?

[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]

m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

[Audition for the musical Cats]

Director: Act like a cat for me

Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you

Director: Perfect

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old

I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space

I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?