Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”

Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.

Relationship Status:

My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.

A sip for you, a sip for me.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Sing it!

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?