Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’

realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some

Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:

A thread.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*

Selfie

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

per my last wtf

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds