I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
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When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Breaking news:
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*