Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

When your parents check you’re ok.

It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.