Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*

Me: How romantic.

*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*

Me: WTF

I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.

So, just me..

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you

Her Mom: what?

Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this

Her Dad: are you serious?

Me: *patting his belly* yes

*goes to the park*

*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.