Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Your mother has terrible taste in children.

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!

wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?