I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later