i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I have two kinds of followers
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”