i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
March 16
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.