i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
for all #parents out there
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”