I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
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A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Blew my mind.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“