Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Eating my way out of the ball pit.

“See you later alligator”

“In a whilst crocodile”

-why we fought the British for independence

Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream

Professor: That’s him, officers

Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Happy Friday

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

No Google it does not

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.

i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?