Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”

*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*

You got this…

Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?

Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.

Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off

Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.

Jill: You got it, boss.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

dutch is not a serious language

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son