Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.

Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

This made me chuckle cuz mood

Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..