Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!

wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada

me: why? he’s not driving

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.

I basically have 3 hairstyles…

Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Church Pugh’s

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.

i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son