‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night


Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now


Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know


Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube


me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
me: hello?


Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.


My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.


FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”