‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
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Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I will never stop laughing at this
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.