@sock_holliday

‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’

–Me, every 45 minutes

You Might Also Like

@OfHella

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

@funWindow

Prove im not a robot by typing the wierd letters? um PRove your not a robot! i can see u computer yoU are a robot and this is my website now

@Ygrene

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

@SucculentPizza

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

@PaperWash

me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?

@Tmoney68

Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.

@TheBoydP

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”