13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
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I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.