I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
we’re gonna need another temp
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.