I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD