I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]