Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.

if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.

My boss told me to do something for myself today so I went home and installed a bidet.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body

My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please

Me: what’s that? More cheese?

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.