Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Going into Monday like

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.