I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Dune (2021)
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete