Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

My work here is don’t.

my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this

November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.

*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS

pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

fr

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce