I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm