Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

ME: want to see me do a head stand

BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute

40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.

A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner

Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think

i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”