I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?