I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You Might Also Like
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.