I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
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“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
My flabber has been gasted.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.