I don’t think my car can fly
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heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I don’t know what to do
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.