Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Fat chances are my favorite chances

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

He is just living hist best little life 😊

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas