Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.

Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”

*mugger approaches*

Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”

Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again

You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

dude it’s called proctologist

ex: do you still have feelings for me?

me: yes.
disgust.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Warning:

This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.

I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.

Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.

My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’

The Book. The Movie.