Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?

Waiter: You can only take your own food

Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone

My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*

No.

How about now? *handstand*

I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.