Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

there has never been a better use of this meme

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

Him: where do you wanna go eat?

Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person

Friend: really?

Me: well apparently not

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776