I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
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I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
*jingles half the way*
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.