Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.

ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live

*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*

LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…

( -_-)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

Tell your friends”

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.