Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.

I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

What the hell is going on?

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge

Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER