Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

yea so i messed up lol

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.