I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
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My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Me driving through Toronto
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
me when the borders lift
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn