Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(before sex)

*sings national anthem

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

*forces square peg into round hole

Round hole: wrong hole.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*

I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.

Guess who has a new ringtone.

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.

[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

date: I come from old money

me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.