I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
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Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.