I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
(Gaming support cat.)
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours