I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
vegan witches, happy halloween!
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly